What is your ambition as a parent? Many of us carry some ideal in our heads, some picture that is the best mom or dad we can imagine being.
Juan wants his kids to have more opportunities than he had
Erika and her husband Juan work hard to make ends meet, and it is often a challenge. Juan works in the vineyards, and Erika picks up hours in a bakery, juggling around caring for Cataleya, their kindergartner, and Roman, their 18-month-old. Erika knows Juan wants Cataleya and Roman to be good students, to have more opportunities than he’s had: his Dad Ambition is to be the father raising educated and successful children. Although, as Erika says, “It’s hard for him, because he didn’t have a lot of school,” Juan pushes past his discomfort, to attending Parent-Teacher conferences so that he can make sure Cati is doing well.
“I want to be close to them, even when they’re grown up.”
Erika’s Mom Goal sounds simple. “I want my kids to feel safe enough to tell me anything,” she says. “I want to be close to them, even when they’re grown up.”
To understand the ambition and determination in that goal, to see how that pushes Erika well past her comfort level, you need to know that Erika had a difficult and sometimes frightening childhood in a household that included domestic violence. Even now, as an adult sitting in her own living room, she doesn’t talk much about her feelings; she avoids being vulnerable. But at the lowest point in her life, Erika decided that she wanted more for her kids—the freedom that comes from feeling loved, and safe, no matter what emotion they express…and no matter how old they are.
Erika was pregnant with Cati when a minor chore upended everything. “It was before my third month. I was taking down Christmas lights, and I started to bleed,” she remembers. “First when I went to the doctor, they said I needed to rest for a few weeks. Then it was two months…and then it was the rest of the pregnancy.” Used to taking care of others, Erika had a hard time giving up her independence. “It was very stressful. I couldn’t do anything, and I felt really bad that I needed help,” she says. She worried about Juan, who suddenly had to take on the full financial support for the family, and Juan worried about her, since he was gone for long hours in the vineyards without much ability to check on her.
She spent most of her time isolated in her apartment complex--“Everybody was working, it was just me home here”—and one day, mid-pregnancy, it was more than she could take. She and Juan had been excited for the baby, and happy to plan for a sweet little family of three. But Erika was suddenly overwhelmed by fear—fear that they wouldn’t be able to struggle through the pregnancy, and then that, if they did, she wouldn’t know how to surround her baby daughter with love and trust. She wanted the tools to make her Mom Goal a reality.
Working with her Home Visitor Adriana has made Erika a more confident parent.
In that moment, she reached out to the local family center; they directed her to Cope’s Home Visiting program, which is how she came to work with Adriana, her Family Resource Specialist.
“When I first met her, she wasn’t a mom yet either,” says Erika. “She would bring a big binder of stuff about the pregnancy when she came…we learned together!” Seven years later, Adriana still brings lots of materials and information when she visits Erika—parenting exercises, development assessments, ideas for dealing with challenges, sometimes gift cards to boost the family over a rough patch—and she also provides the sounding board and the encouragement that Erika needs just as much as all the information. Erika explains, “She listens to me…she is the person to talk to when I am sad, stressed or mad. She tells me, ‘I’m here for you.’ It made me be more confident; being more around her made me more able to talk to her about myself, tell her what was going on.”
Erika, sitting on her couch with Roman snuggled next to her, looks around her apartment. “I am trying for this to be my safe place,” she says. It’s not that there’s a threat in her current home environment; as she explains, “Juan will say, ‘Tell me what you want, tell me what you need,’ but I wasn’t confident with my parents, so I’m not confident with Juan.” She’s working towards being more open about her emotions, though, and Adriana is proud of the way Erika has been slowly building her social network at the Cope family events. “You’ve come out of your shell,” Adriana tells Erika.
Erika has spent a lot of time encouraging her daughter’s sense of security and helping her gain confidence.
Cati is also shy sometimes, but Erika has spent a lot of time encouraging her sense of security, and she’s gaining confidence. Erika laughs, “I don’t have to ask Cataleya about her day—she just says, “Guess what happened!” Recently, Cataleya’s story of her day was that she has a friend at school who always wants to sit next to her on the school bus, because he’s scared of the big kids who ride in the back. Cati is secure enough to be brave for both kindergartners, and that makes Erika happy.
Cati has the advantage of being able to emulate her mother’s bravery. Despite Erika’s natural reserve, she’s been a persistent advocate for her daughter, talking to Cati’s teachers, doctor, Adriana, and even a counselor about how to help Cati through several issues. And though she’s often unwilling to ask for things for herself, when it comes to the kids, Erika’s much more sure of what she wants from Juan. “We talk about it, and I tell him, ‘When I say no, you have to say no as well. We have to be on the same page!”
Even saying “No” to her children is an act of bravery for Erika. When Cati was a toddler and had a tantrum, Erika recalls, “I would give in.” She wants Cati to feel safe and loved, and it was hard to know how to have healthy limits when Erika had so little experience of them herself. Seven years of working with Adriana has made a big difference. “When Roman has a tantrum, I just give him his space,” she says. And when Cati decides not to cooperate? “I remind her there are consequences—no playing outside after dinner, no time on the tablet—and then she does what I ask.”
“I just want to say thank you to Cope. Without them, everything would have been so different.”
And now that Erika’s dealing with two children instead of one, how is she doing? Is she still afraid that her Mom Goal is out of reach? The normally quiet Erika suddenly lights up with enthusiasm. “I’m having a blast with both of them! I don’t have that same level of stress…I feel more confident in my ability to do things.” She’s been thinking about where Roman will go to preschool, and, she says, “I’ve been telling Adriana that I’d like to go back to school,” but she’s not ready to be away from him so much yet.
Erika has worked hard to make her little family loving, supportive, and safe, using the tools from her seven years of parenting education. She’s considered how it might have gone without that assist. “I just want to say thank you to Cope, because without them, everything would have been so different…and to Adriana, she’s like having a best friend. She’s part of my family.”
Cope’s Home Visiting program is made possible by funding provided by the County of Napa, Auction Napa Valley and support from the community.