“I am making these changes for my children”: A Mother’s Love and Resilience
As a mother of five children under the age of fourteen, Iris’s peaceful manner is notable. When we meet with Iris and Anahi, her former Family Support Specialist, Iris is composed and put together. Small silver earrings dangle from her ears, and she wears a swath of berry lipstick. Her composure exudes self-confidence and self-knowledge.
But before Iris came to Cope, her confidence was on shakier ground. Iris first learned of Cope through a flyer at a health fair when she was a young mother caring for her children while their father worked to provide for the family. Iris had three daughters at the time, and although she was managing, she knew she needed support. It was with her youngest, at one year old, that Iris entered Cope’s Parents as Teachers Home Visiting Program.
What began as a desire to learn more about her children’s development and manage the stress of parenting turned into long-term support through her five children’s varying stages, struggles, and growing pains. Over the years of participating in Cope’s Home Visiting Program, she received guidance from three different Family Support Specialists, all of whom helped her build her parenting skills, resilience, and self-confidence.
Iris’s first Family Support Specialist was Frances. “She had experienced similar parenting struggles. She told me that everything is temporary and that I was going to get through it.”
Later, with her FSS Maria, who now serves as Cope’s Program Manager, Iris received the rallying cry she needed every time she was struggling. Even though Maria wasn’t a parent herself, “she could put herself in my place. She cheered me on.”
Most recently, Iris participated in the program with her son Ryan, who is now three years old, as well as son Christian, who is now five. In addition to helping Iris get connected to community resources, Anahi worked with Iris for about a year and a half on the development of her children’s language and fine motor skills.
Throughout this time, Anahi would administer periodic Ages and Stages assessments to determine if Ryan and Christian were meeting their developmental milestones. When either child did not meet a certain milestone, Anahi would give Iris activities to do with them to help them progress. “Iris did such a good job of doing the developmental activities with her kids.”
Because of their hard work, Iris feels that Ryan is now prepared for pre-school. She says he is confident in the skills they practiced together, like holding a pencil and being more communicative.
Iris says that before she participated in the program, she tended to be reactive. When her children acted in a way that was undesirable or caused her stress, such as dropping or breaking something, she would yell. With help from the program, Iris has learned how to be more patient with her children and now has the tools to guide them in developing more desirable behaviors and habits.
She also learned the differences between the brains of children and adults. Her Family Support Specialists helped her understand the ways that children experience their surroundings, and she has learned that the way we talk to adults often isn’t effective with children. She now has developmentally appropriate communication skills to connect with and communicate with her children.
She has also learned that every child is different, an important lesson for a mother of five children between the ages of three and thirteen. “What worked with one child might not work with another.” And Iris is always learning — As her oldest enters adolescence, Iris has enrolled in Cope’s Teen Triple P class so that she has the tools she needs to support her daughter through this “powerful stage.”
“Iris finds ways to involve all of her kids, regardless of age,” comments Anahi. It can be a challenge to find a shared activity for five children in different stages of childhood and adolescence, but Iris knows her children well and gets creative with them. For example, this summer Iris got her kids involved in the Napa Public Library’s Summer Reading Program, a fun activity all her kids can participate in and which aids in their learning and development. Iris wants her children to enjoy childhood, and she hopes that they can keep doing these types of activities together.
Iris has also learned how important it is to prioritize self-care, and she’s good about making time for herself. She knows how easy it is for parents, especially mothers, to put all their time, energy, and resources into their children, to the detriment of their own well-being.
One of the ways Iris is prioritizing self-care right now is by making healthy lifestyle changes. After getting a physical through her doctor’s office, it was recommended she make some changes to her diet and exercise habits. She is now eating more nutritious foods and going for walks and runs at the park. “I am making these changes for my children, so that I can best support them.”
Iris says she feels confident and comfortable with graduating from the Home Visiting program this past July. She has learned a lot about child development and how to accommodate and guide her children. She also values the sense of community she experienced from connecting with other families through Cope’s family socials.
Of her time in the program over the years, she says, “I’ll take with me the beautiful memories.”