"I was shut out of my own self": A Mother's Path Toward Healing After Divorce
Rebecca calls her second son, Liam, her miracle baby.
When she heard Liam’s small, rhythmic heartbeat over the monitor at an early ultrasound, she instantly fell in love. After multiple miscarriages, this pregnancy felt like no small feat.
Rebecca and Jason had their first son, Chris, thirteen years earlier, when Rebecca was just twenty-two years old. The two were high school sweethearts, but by the time Rebecca became pregnant with Liam, the two had grown distant.
Shortly after Liam was born, the two split, and custody proceedings began. Granted fifty-fifty custody, Rebecca and Jason were confronted with the challenge of learning to co-parent amid their relatively new separation.
The split and court proceedings were painful enough, but perhaps more painful was that Rebecca felt unable to shield her children from the chaos. Affected the most was Chris, who, in his early teens, was old enough to understand just how volatile his parents’ relationship had become. Chris witnessed the screaming and the fights, and he would sometimes internalize that anger, becoming moody and reactive.
In addition to the stress of the separation, Rebecca was contending with a painful past and an uncertain future. When Rebecca was only nineteen, her mother passed away from an overdose, and her father struggled with addiction for much of Rebecca’s life. Then, post-separation, the entire world was thrust into a global pandemic and lockdowns, all while Rebecca was helping her father recover from a stroke.
But a reprieve came in the form of a court-mandated parenting class. The former couple, unable to effectively work through their disagreements, were legally obligated to enroll in a parenting course, and when Rebecca’s lawyer mentioned Cope’s Family Transitions class, she signed up.
The course wasn’t easy for Rebecca. There were times when she would have to turn her camera off during the class, overcome with tears. But it was helpful to hear other parents struggling with their own parenting and life challenges.
She says her “funny and smiley” parent educator, Carina, taught her helpful ways to communicate with Jason, how to work through conflict in less reactive ways, and how to prioritize self-care.
She still struggles with compassion fatigue, but she has learned how important it is to take care of herself. She now spends time cooking, listening to music, and gardening in the sun as forms of self-compassion and self-care.
Rebecca is also prioritizing healing. After the separation, she had to re-define who she was outside of the relationship she had known for so long. “I was shut out of my own self.”
While co-parenting still isn’t easy, Rebecca is working to better communicate with Jason and is using the tools she learned in Cope’s Family Transitions course to work through disagreements and conflict. Despite the extreme challenges Rebecca has experienced throughout her life, as well as the stress of parenting after the divorce, she is fighting to give her children the safety and stability she didn’t have growing up. “We have to compromise. We don’t have to agree, but we do have to work it out.”
In the face of fear and uncertainty, she has learned to focus on what is in her control. “I can only do what I can do.” When daily challenges begin to feel overwhelming, she reminds herself of the new skills she has developed to work through tough situations, and she does her best to let go of the things she can’t change. She is now in a better mental space, she says, and she isn’t the only one who can tell. “People see my pictures now and say, ‘You look so happy.’”
“I am just going forward. Every day is a new adventure.”
Names have been changed to protect privacy.